“…”

The day I realized I had a complicated head… I started to hate myself…

Been defying odds… been learning things on my own… depending on notes… wisdom of friends… television… music… anime… I should be proud because… hey… I turned out quite good. But because of this complicated head… it’s never that simple….

Fast forward n years… today… February 20, 2008… Went to bed at pass 11am… woke up at around 1pm… and been awake up until now, 7:45am… had nothing to do… program still running… work sucks… my boss sucks… been boxing my complicated emotions inside me… emotionally dying… i feel that everything is now taking its toll…. and the hardest part is…. I can’t even hurt myself…. been fighting tears here in my office desk…. man… I need help… badly…

Tipping Points

1) We could be in love - grade 3
2) Cool ka lang - grade 5
3) How do I live - 1st year HS
4) Doors - 3rd year HS
5) Bakit di totohanin - College
6) Balisong - College
7) Don’t Cha - Working

Sugar Rush - Working

9) Even now - From time to time (especially when depressed)

imagine waking up in the morning… and the first thought that comes into your mind is… maaga akong uuwi mamaya…

and after that… you’ll see a text message… and you say to yourself… I’m tired of this shit…

and then when you think about that… suddenly…. it feels warm… very nice…  then the water from the shower wakes you up… and the thought just flows through the drainage…

and so the morning routine ends… i wonder how long could one withstand this…

I remember the days when people admire me for my bravery. They say that I have the guts to follow my heart, to do whatever it takes,  whatever the consequences are, to go for what I want. In my opinion, I think that’s all you need to be happy and contented somehow. But why do I feel otherwise…

I think it all boils down to that tricky, yet simple question. What do I really want?

Yesterday, a friend asked if I’m happy in what I do. I said, "It’s what I can do…" Then it came to me that I do these things because I’m fairly comfortable with it. Not really because it’s what I want to do. What do I want to do anyway? I don’t really know… Or maybe I knew all along but I refuse to do it. If that’s the case, then I willingly chose to be this way. How sad…

Now what do I do? 

Last night I was able to watch some bits of "If Only" (one of jennifer love hewitts chick flicks…). For me, the concept was pretty cruel. Why? I always believed that death is the easiest way to get out of your missery (kaya nga may nagsusuicide e - of course there’s the issue of going to hell after that…) and the burden is always with the people who were left behind, whether dependencies or loved ones. I guess the movie promissed a story of second chance but for me, I think that the guy was given a chance to love her partner more, then pass the burden, the burden of losing someone pretty special, to her partner. I think it was easier for the guy now because, well, he’s dead. Meanwhile, the girl gets to live her life with this trauma for as long as she lives. Poor girl… Oh well, its just a movie anyway.

I think these kind of things are pretty tiring. Strong emotions… whether love, anger, etc. They take up a lot of space in your memory and because of that, you can’t function well (parang buhay ng isang pc…). Of course one would think that without these things, you can’t experience the beauty of "living." But do you always have to live your life? I’m well aware that our time is limitted but believe it or not, that’s not always the case. For me, the problem about living your life to the fullest is that after doing just that, whay would you do the next day, next week, next month, or next year? Of course you could be dead after that but let’s face it, that’s not always the case…

Sometimes, co-existing with a lot of stuff is too much of a task… I guess one way to beat this is through apathy. When you’re apathetic about a lot of things, you think less and you feel less. For me, this is stability… we all need to be stable once in  awhile…

Just thinking out loud…      

And so I created my blog… something to keep me on track of my own life… It’s been awhile since I used a specific medium (other than the usual phone call to a friend) to rant, rave, or simply talk about anything. Oh well… here I go again…

My friends and I hanged out in Patty’s place last sunday… we talked, talked and talked about a lot of things. Paul shared a lot of info about law and politics… which is quite interesting. We’re really getting old aren’t we? Oh well, thanks for the tip man! Gagawa na ko ng bangka tapos di ko paparegister!!! Anyway, with all the chatting and sharing, I realized something interestig and my current state of being… I am pretty much bored about my life…again… and my account suffered for that… (hehehe) I know everybody gets bored from time to time… but I think I’m in the position where I can do a lot of things. But I chose to go home after work, sleep, go to work the next morning, and "spend" when weekend comes. Why? I don’t really know… I want to a lot of things like shoot some hoops with my friends, go and lift some weights, talk and hang out with some friends na hindi ko masyado nakakasama, etc, etc… but somehow, I find an excuse to "not" do these things… "di naman talaga ako marunong mag basketball e…," "mas ok mag gym kesa bumili ng weights… mahal din naman mag gym…," "wala di sila pwede siguro… (haven’t asked them yet)… saka nahihiya ako…" Oh well… Why do I always write the negative stuff?! I guess I find it more interesting to write about these things… so much for my ranting…